Thursday, 20th October 2016 marks a global event. Conflict Resolution Day is an event in which methods of peaceful conflict resolution are emphasized; so important in a world that has conflicts and wars lasting years.
Being able to talk through difference, understand each others point of view and take responsibility for your actions are all attributes we should live by every day. We should bring these peaceful conflict resolution measures to everything that we do – from the workplace, to complaining about poor service in a restaurant, to the important relationships that surround us.
Your marriage is one of those important relationships. But it can go wrong, turning sour and the decision is then made to part ways. For many couples, they see this as the beginning of a new chapter and rather than sink to petty arguments, choose instead to be proactive in ending their relationships, untangling their lives so that they can go to new places, people and relationships.
It’s tough. It is hard to let some things go, to understand why your soon to be ex-spouse wants something that they know you covet and enjoy. It is not a contest, but it can begin to feel like one when you both feel you have to fight to be heard, to make your feelings known and to get the things you want to salvage from the relationship.
When people are hurting, peaceful conflict resolution looks like a far off dream. When people are hurting, being rational and non-judgmental are both far down the list. In such cases, parting couples need help, with many turning to mediation.
What is mediation?
Mediation is where a trained professional, known as a ‘mediator’, works with a couple to work through their differences, deciding the best way to split and move on. They are impartial, meaning they don’t take sides. It can be a diplomatic tight rope, which is why using a trained and skilled mediator is always best.
However, you may feel that this is a step too far and that although your marriage is ending, you feel you have the ability to work together to unknot your relationship. This is why many people choose mediation courses to help them through a difficult time, possibly preventing unnecessary and hurtful conflict too.
Are mediation courses right for your divorce?
- Working out if mediation is right for you is dependent on how you feel the process will work for you both. There are also some other factors that may mean mediation is a good move.Are you yelling at each other?
Having a good yell at the person who has or is hurting you emotionally can make you feel great, and to a certain extent, in control,.
But yelling, swearing or hitting are all the opposite of being in control. It shows that your emotions have got the better of you. Also, by doing these things people cannot hear you. People back of -, or worse still – come right back at you.
It also means nothing gets resolved, but can unfortunately also be the exchanges that add more fuel to an already raging fire.
- Do you talk in generalised terms?
Then there is the opposite end of the scale. Although you may not be cussing and yelling at each other, you are also talking in such general terms that very little is being accomplished. This can be a source of frustration and confusion too.
- Do you both care for each other?
In most divorces, despite obvious issues, just because you no longer love someone in the way that you did, does not mean that you do not care for them. Many divorcing couples find they have a great friendship when they feel they are no longer romantically tied.
Mediation courses work well with couples that still care for each other and want their marriage to end well, rather than in a heap of lies and recriminations.
- Are there decisions to be made, but nothing seems to be achieved?
From deciding who gets the house, to the cushions on the sofa, splitting means separating and portioning all kinds of things. This means making decisions.
Mediation can help discuss important decisions and options, as well as helping to prevent smaller, less important decisions getting in the way.
- Do you need help accepting what is happening?
As much as you may want and need your marriage to end, it is a life-changing event. Not surprisingly, many people need help to deal with the ending of their marriage. Mediation is a great way to move through the practicalities of splitting up, and relationship counselling can start the process of healing the wounds.
Breaking up is hard to do and it can be amicable.